The World's Not Out To Get You.

A sea of people wake up around the same time you do. All staring up at their ceilings thinking about the day that awaits them, exactly the same ritual you tend to follow most mornings. Routines take place, varying from person to person, but all of them mostly follow the same steps in different variations. A comforting reminder that we’re humans simply existing. The same type of feeling that you get when you see someone eating alone. Or that feeling when you look around the room and you’re reminded of everything that needed to happen in order for you to be exactly where you are, surrounded by those who are unaware of your marvelous epiphany that seems to make life a little easier somehow.

I like when my brain notices details that remind me of our humanity. I like feeling small in the big scope of the world and I like feeling big in my small part of the world. Reminds me of how everything really isn’t that serious, unless you want it to be. I made peace with myself which allows me to make peace with the world around me. A friend recently said that my attitude used to be something along the lines of “life is tough, therefore I have to be too.” And it’s true, I recognize how afraid I was of getting hurt. So in a way of prevention, I would put up this front that allowed me to keep everyone at arms distance, and I would often hurt others just so I could wield enough power to keep myself from getting hurt. She said she thinks that now I’m much softer, I now have an attitude of “life is tough, but that’s OK because I can get through it.” I’m still tough, but it’s different. Now, it’s not so much about fear and bad attitudes and more of, I can face whatever comes my way. It took time to get here, and inevitably to learn, I had to get hurt. I had to feel feelings I had never allowed myself to feel before and I had to become much more open. Despite what it took to get to where I am today, I wouldn’t change a thing. By allowing myself what I had been so scared of for so many years, I subconsciously learned how to feel the good ten times more. I think I’ve become a more genuine person who sees things through a more sincere lens. Everything that’s come my way has changed me and I’m OK with that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of myself, of this new version that slowly made its way into my life. I feared how my first line of defense whenever I felt threatened was no longer to riot or speak fire, and how somehow, by second nature I reacted in much healthier ways. Especially when I (and people around me) started noticing these changes. It was like the person I had been for so long slowly caved herself inside of me and as much as I called for her, she would no longer come. Instead she’d send out this other girl. One who, like the first, would frown at the situation, but unlike the other, would bite her tongue and think things through before she said something she wouldn’t be able to take back. I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit that I didn’t grow up to be the person I thought I’d be. That’s not really bad though, it’s actually probably for the better, but it still took me by surprise. Especially now that I’m leaving for college, I’m realizing that some things didn’t turn out the way I expected. I trust that for reasons I can’t comprehend yet, every piece will fall into place exactly how it needs to be, despite the expectations I once held.

However, it was through these moments of disappointment and genuine happiness and growth and every feeling that I’ve felt in between, that I realized that the world is not out to get you and that those who you’re convinced are your enemies are, in fact, not. In the same way you’re wrapped up in your own life, everyone around you is doing the same. Again, we’re just humans being humans and the simplicity of that fact is so magical. It’ll let you gain a new perspective and appreciation for the simple fact of your existence and the existence of the things and people you love. As much as I can hate life at moments, I love my life. I love the laughs I share, the tears I’ve shed and the anger I’ve disputed. The excitement that fills me ever so often and the glances that I share with those lucky enough to understand what I’m saying only by looking in my eyes.

Nostalgia, my strongest emotion, makes me sad and happy in inexplicable ways. I find it truly whimsical that I have the privilege to feel it all. To truly say I go past the surface in so many ways.

There’s much more to say, there always will be. It seems to me I have an overwhelming sensation to share everything I feel because I don’t want people to miss out on the everyday experiences that I’m so lucky to have simply because I allow myself to. I urge you to remember, the world is not out to get you, even when it feels like it’s impossible to think that there is no way that’s true. Everything is simpler when you come to this realization. Those “microaggressions” you spend your entire day overthinking probably weren’t even directed to you, and if they were it says more about the other person than yourself. The world is large and vast and we are lucky and blessed to be here! You don’t have to stay where you are, figuratively and literally. Live your everyday life to the fullest degree as cliche as it may sound. I’ve found that my funniest moments shared often happen in the mundane, everyday routine that is often draining. Don’t wait for the big things to happen in order to think your life is exciting. It’s OK if things don’t turn out the way you expected them to, trust it’s for a reason. If you’re disappointed by how things turned out, whatever ends up happening will probably be better than you originally envisioned. And above all, when life feels a little heavy, remember every feeling is fleeting, it’s a privilege to get to experience it. There is not much sense to this piece, much like there is not much sense to how I came to these conclusions. It’s not much of a coherent string of thoughts and more of a satisfactory splatter of thoughts that somehow captures my appreciation for what once was, what is and what will be, which seems to perfectly reflect what floats around my mind.